November 3, 2026. 12:57AM Waiting for my laundry to finish so I can go to sleeeep~~! The chill laid-back self care attitude is approaching unproductive levels akin to sheer laziness. Instead of working on my assignment, I have successfully learned the names, locations, and flags of about 90% of the countries on earth (how long I will retain this information, I do not know). And I feel too mildly hungry to do anything serious for the next 20 minutes. I am hoping I can get a lot done tomorrow, but it also doesn't seem to matter to me. Nothing feels terribly urgent, even though it may terribly be. I think my body just doesn't want to feel it because if it did, it would feel so so very terribly terrible. So I am going to keep making quiet progress until that is no longer the sufficient strategy~~ I washed my desk yesterday and today I vacuumed the floor. If I can start caring even less, I might get around to doing my nails and trimming my hair. The final goal of all of this being painting. Who will wake me up from this wonderous spell I'm under~! Or rather, what will...

November 1, 2026. 1:40AM Feeling super squeeky clean (,comparitavely). Late night routine affirmations as follows. Theres no reason to hate, everyone makes mistakes (academically) (at their job) (in their career) (in their social life) (in their non social life) (in general). If I am not freaking out, no one can freak out on my behalf to make me freak out. There is nothing terrible hiding around the corner. There is nobody ready to hand me more problems. There is nobody I cannot approach in a normal, pure, unassuming way and this strategy is ethical and will always work. There is nothing terrible hiding around the corner. And if there were, it wouldn't be so terrible at all. I decide the definition of terrible, and terrible is not world-ending, and terrible will come and go. Homework is so fun. Nothing bad ever happens to me. Nothing bad will ever happen to me because I'm so squeeky clean and know how to draw. And if people don't like my drawings that's actually not my problem because there's nothing I can do about it. I don't need to do more than what's required because the requirement itself is never even serious. My life is important. I can do whatever I want and everything always works out. Nobody ever misunderstands/misinterprets the things I say and the ways in which I say them. I am so excited to catch up on my work. Nothing can ruin my amazing mood because it comes from within. WHERE DID THE TIME GO~! THANK YOU FOR THE EXTRA HOUR~~~~!!

October 29, 2026. 12:37AM I've had a surge in desire for simple sweaters. I've seen ones with cute colour changes at the cuffs, stripes, fleece, and high turtle-like necks. I want the perceived cleanliness that comes with such a straightforward fashion. And really, I don't know if I moreso want the sweater, or want to become the person wearing the sweater: clear skin, washed hair, and a reasonable demeanor. I want to embody the pure-hearted assumptions I am making without any of their lived sensations. I want to feel as clean and as light as a memory. Instead, I am wearing every thought I've ever had and every thing I've ever owned. And everywhere I go I clank and crunch and chime and it's all so heavy every single step. Just for a moment, I want to feel like the perfect simple strangers I see, the perfect simple stranger I am. I want to be nothing but my sweater.

September 13, 2026. 3:40AM (drunk entry) I'm at that point where I feel like dedicating my entire being to animation is a childish idea. It was a good coping mechanism for a while, but now it's starting to make no sense. Bring no comfort. Maybe it is because I am too tired to work hard at the moment. But the amount of information I've missed from not socializing is just too large. And I am also worried I have just made a grave error. These things happen, though. Is what I'll say. And what can I do about that?

From here, I'm not sure where to go. I could commit myself to improving upon this area in my life. Though I somewhat still see it as distraction, and I have so little time, anyway. Or I could continue the way I have been, and view myself above this. Though I am not above this. I am just bad at it.

After peeing in [redacted]'s bathroom, it is clear to me that I am merely an NPC in these people's lives. Though to escape this fate, I fear I must be greatly annoying.

I feel like I need an active plan to navigate this but I don't even know what to do. I want to be a non chalant follower, but that lowkey isn't gonna get me anywhere. But isn't weaseling my way into places so unchic? I guess I can't do anything more than what I do now. Other than maybe actively asking people to hang.

May 29, 2026. 10:53PM I'm not nearly as insane as yesterday and, consequently, I don't really feel much desire to write anything. However, I feel I must present an update on my wellbeing to alleviate concern. Unfortunately, my morning did not agree with any prior late night delusions. I imagined myself getting up at 7:00am, immediately heading to the nearby LifeLabs (open at 7:30) to take a much needed blood test. This was already a long shot as I hadn't been able to get up at 7:00 in weeks, but the fact that I got up at 11:00 was something else. I think I'm beyond disappointment. In the sense that, I think I just don't care anymore. And honestly, some days you just need to get up at 11:00. On Thursday, I hastily got out of bed for my 9:00 class and I didn't really even pay attention, so everything feels kind of pointless. Nonetheless, I must stress this is not a common occurrence, and this week has mostly been a humble 8:30! Though, I didn't do many productive things at home. I did return to my lavish breakfast routine, which made me felt a lot better. But the comfort of my room is growing too comfortable now, and I've realized that as the root of all my problems. Later in the day, after I played video games with my sister, I went to the library for a couple hours (luckily, rigging doesn't necessarily need anyone to draw anything). I was far more productive working out of the house. It was the first time in a while that I felt focused on a personal project, and I wasn't in agony while doing it (mostly). So I've discovered that all I needed was a change in scenery. The next couple days are a little adventurous. They offer this, but in ways slightly more beyond my control, which is alright. I enjoy having days to myself, but I don't know if I'm always very good for me. It's evident by writing alone.

May 28, 2026. 8:19PM I have devised a fancy and full breakfast routine over the past week and today I broke it. Recently, I have been losing my ability to focus and today I have given it up entirely. I let basic tasks stretch on for hours and linger in quite moments of thoughtlessness. Yesterday, I took an edible and to my surprise nothing happened. The only affect it had on me was that I was immeasurably bummed. Though it felt deeper than any reaction of immediate disappointment. If I were to read into it, it was as though I was feeling a disappointment for areas of my life which I was not thinking of nor could I articulate. Today, I did not feel the same nothingness, but I felt afraid to think and reflect on it. I have not wanted to spent extra time preparing my meals and I have not wanted to confront the clock as often as I have before. An urgency has left my body and in it's place has entered an acceptance of all future mediocrity with which I am much familiar. I have become averse to the present. I decided a couple days ago that I would overcome my habits of dangerous thought on my own, and it seems today I am being punished for that arrogance. I know the solution to this disposition and tomorrow I will employ it: I must do one thing, over and over and over, and watch the time pass as it happens.

May 25, 2026. 11:37AM First time with this computer on the train. I'm so scared to take it anywhere! I'm idiotically freebleeding to drumming to drown out the sound of a family sitting in front of me. I'm progressively becoming period-sick-dying. I took an advil but I still feel gross and wet.

So the culmination of my thoughts this past week may chalk up to that. It's not anything depressing, to me. And I think I will decide this idea to be objectively wrong in the future. But it is possible my life isn't supposed to be like a movie at all — not interesting and thrilling in that way. This might be my way of giving up and backing out of important social engagements and coming of age scenarios like solo travel and solo clubbing and solo talking to strangers (I thought we weren't supposed to do that?). Maybe I should be solo reading and solo watching and solo learning, so that I can make art that is much more interesting and fruitful than my experiences. In visual art, something more fantastical is possible, something that I wouldn't be able to have, anyway.

I want to blame anyone but myself but I can't. I have everything I need and yet I continue to drone on from place to place, thinking "what would I be saying right now if I were interesting?". Good things don't happen when you're just letting things happen to you and I always forget that. That's why I love to plan and imagine, but it's hard to imagine and plan in productive ways, and I haven't done that in some weeks. Time flies!

Like a depressing number of modern young people, I love being thoughtless. I love to go on my phone and look at things so I don't have to think about anything. If I were to be dramatic about it, it's almost like dying, or being asleep. And it almost feels necessary. That's why I've struggled to seek out and enjoy actually good works of art throughout my life. But at the end of the day, I don't like feeling stupid either. So I'm just pretending this isn't a big problem for me.

May 4th, 2026. 11:05PM I have no motivation to make this a cohesive thought so this will probably end up nowhere. I've been so sleepy lately. I drank coffee this afternoon for the first time in a while and I think it helped but I can't be sure. I am so excited for my courses to start. I think I got burnt out from 3 days of rigging. Clearly not cut out for this working yourself to the bone thing, especially when it takes place in a room with a bed. But my horizons are opening and freshening and I am being kind and patient. I just wish I had the same motivation I had literally last week! But I just need to keep pushing. I'm almost done, after all! So annoying I need to redo the eyes. Just so annoying. But I suppose that's my lesson to backup my file. Which I haven't done today so really I learned nothing but I was so gagged! Anyways I need to go to sleep now. My scheduled 11:30 because I guess I can't do better than that lol. What if I stay awake after 7:00am? Could it be possible? I'm gonna pull an all dayer. I don't know if I can even believe that myself.