1. Time Management
6:51pm. April 4th, 2024. Thursday.

Disclaimer: I was writing this like a month ago and I never finished what I was going on about so I'll be editing and adding now, May 21st. Juuust to have something up..

I used to be in a massive mental health rut throughout... well forever. Especially in the final—well lets be honest—all the years of high school. But after I graduated, something changed. My mind was more clear.. And I dont know, I was able to pull myself together in terms of work ethic.

A big problem I used to have was just not being able to sit down and do the work. Firstly, I didn't want to confront it. Factually, I knew I had assignments, but I never really thought about what it would be like to do them before I did them, so they weren't actually REAL until I started. Because of this, I neglected to allot real time to do them. I had school, I went home, and at home I couldn't really work (not sure why...), so I didn't. The end. And I didn't do it in class either, because I wasn't in the mood, and I'd "do it at home" anyway.

Eventually I started going to second cup/the library, which really helped me be more productive. Though my output per hour was less than what I would've hoped because my thought processes were a little convoluted and it would take forever to figure out what I wanted to do with assignments. But at least I was thinking about it.

Because of these long mental side quests, I often sat back and tried to remind myself of my goals. What was I actually trying to accomplish with this task? THAT is what I should be trying to do. And I should try to do it in an easy, straightforward manner. Because what I'm doing doesnt require anything more, to be honest.

It was difficult to do that in school. I felt a piece of myself was embedded into every one of my assignments, and I was afraid if I did that wrong, it would give my teachers the wrong impressions of me—which I cared about a lot for some reason. However, as you can imagine, this only gave them the impression that I was a loser that could not manage his time. And also, the work was rushed shit anyway. But that pressure to make it a good representation of my thoughts and ideas and self (when that wasn't really necessary), this pressure that I put on myself to impress these strange authority figures (I never could really comprehend authority) made me feel REALLY WEIRD inside which is a part of what held me back.

When I graduated, those feelings went away. And I had a lot more space freed up in my brain. And a lot more time on my hands. This is when the things my mother would tell me about getting my life together started to seep into my wet little brain. Thought exercise: I tried to imagine myself in the shoes of successfull, seemingly put together people. What would it feel like—and not emotionally, but physically. What would my skin feel (May 21st, not so sure where I was going with this but we'll see) like? What would clothing feel like? How would it feel to eat, walk, type, etc. When you're in a rut, down in the dumps and the like, all these simple things feel either numb or irritable; it's hard to enjoy the simple things in life when you're not enjoying the big, complicated stuff. But those small aspects of your day help shape your perception on the world. So it becomes a dress for the job you want situation. So it becomes a stop and smell the flowers situation.

But this is where I really start to explain it and it gets a little strange. It's really easy to watch other people work. From an outside perspective, its almost fun. Just a human body; a thick, heavy, physical mass moving and interacting with itself and other inanimate objects. And you can't feel any of it because its not you. You can't feel all the little ways it's uncomfortable and you're not thinking the same difficult thoughts behind the scenes. You're just watching and it's perfect. And wouldn't it be perfect if that was you? What if you were your own idea of what it is to be stranger? You could feel your own skin and imagine your belongings as if they weren't your own. The air would be different. Your mind would be clear and all this wouldn't be so hard. This is what I really mean when I say enjoy the simple things.

It may sound like a form of dissociation, but to me its quite the opposite. When I think about these things, I feel more grounded in reality; I feel more like person and less like a disembodied brain. I like feeling this way, and it makes me want to be productive.

I'm just so very lucky to have all that I have in life. It's difficult to do anything when your brain is preoccupied with straight turmoil (no way, right?). That's what the school environment was for me. It made me such a mess, crossed wires in my brain that I wish it wouldn't've. And here's to another year! Hopefully this time it wont be that deep. But these are my coping strategies: google sheets calendar, friends, good food, wearing someone else's skin, and going to the library.