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Casual diary entries about my casual every day life. Updating whenever... the stars align...
June 15th, 2024. A friend posts on their Instagram story asking if anyone is interested in going with them to a Chappell Roan themed club night (not sure if that's the correct term). Do I listen to Chappell Roan? Not really. Have I ever been to a club, or even a party of any sort? No. Naturally, I read the story and reply: "ill go w u ^_^". A couple days later we purchase the tickets and my fate is sealed.
Thought process: Well, my parents would be out of the country the date of the event (July 12th, 2024). I can safely leave my home looking emo (definition of emo up to interpretation, but I Was actually emo) and return at odd hours without it being Annoying. I'm 19. I can go to 19+ events. I can do anything I want! I have an excuse to have this new experience that I've always been a bit curious about (looking into the fuss). And I'll be with a friend! And it's suummmeeeeeerrrr!!
In the days leading up to the Fabled Friday, I contemplate my decision. Would I actually enjoy being in this environment? Little Old Me? I picture myself awkwardly standing against a wall, holding a drink, watching a crowd of sweaty lesbians in their mid 20's jumping up and down under ambient flashing lights. God (Gob), what had I gotten myself into? But sometimes you've just got to put yourself in a situation. That's sort of been my motto recently. And it's not that I didn't want to go, just very wary of what could lie ahead...
The day before (or shall we say morning of), I listened to Chappell's new album in preparation. Brief takeaways: She's really good at singing, but sometimes her instrumental, chords, and the way her voice is mixed makes her music sound like lesbian Taylor Swift. The hype and community around her makes me enjoy her music more. I love her drag looks, but her music needs to get freakier to match. As one of my oomfs would say, she needs to "accept Skrillex into her heart". Ultimately though, I think the listening experience is what you make it.
I wake up at around 3:00pm and Doordash myself a burger. My month ago self would be in tears. I walk around my house and slowly get ready. If you would, read the rest of the paragraph as if you were reading the infamous Harry Potter fanfiction (fan reality) My Immortal. I throw on a pair of black jeans and black platform boots to match. I put on TWO belts (because I'm emo), one is studded, and one has small fake plastic jewels. I wear a black tank top (obviously) and two studded bracelets on my left wrist. One is made from leather, and the other is from an old jacket. I adorn my neck with a Dollarama My Little Pony necklace to match the theme of the night: Pink Pony Club. And it goes without saying that I'm wearing black eyeliner and black/brown/red eyeshadow. I also bring with me a black wool coat (in case it gets cold) and my black leather purse that has a giant keychain of a cross (like in religion) made of black jewels. I'm not Christian or anything, I'm actually more like a vampire. And I know vampires are allergic to crosses, but I guess I'm just different.
My friend and I arrive at a club in Kensington market (which is a little unexpected at first, but honestly makes a lot of sense). We clock the correct location based on the surrounding strangers' attire (blonde with the pink t-shirt and tiara gave it away). We present our IDs to the security guard and wouldn't you know it, we found ourselves inside a bar.
It was extremely daunting at first, I wont lie to you. A dimly lit (and I mean DIMLY LIT) room with crowds of older, more knowledgeable, oh-I've-been-in-a-bar-before individuals wandering around like, well, they'd been in a bar before. Ordering drinks or just standing around on the dancefloor, we were surrounded by strangers. I poured myself a glass of water and we headed to the bathroom. Upon arrival, we spoke to two of those kind strangers. They told us that the crowd outside the women's room wasn't REALLY a line, and that they were just taking pictures. 5 minutes later, we were standing outside the bathroom doing they same. They offered to help and we all took pictures of each other! As the night went on, I had similarly amicable encounters in the women's restroom. I quickly learned one major thing that's probably not exactly true: Everyone at the gay bar can be your friend.
We sat on a couch and psyched ourselves up to order drinks. I'd drank plenty of alcohol since turning 19, but only from the LCBO. I wasn't sure what menu options they had, and I couldn't seem to find them... Anywhere... So when we finally made our way to the crowd surrounding the bar, I was anxious as balls. I had no idea what I was going to say! I seriously almost asked a random person next to me for a recommendation, but the anxiety kept my mouth sealed. As the swarm thinned out and it finally came our turn, my friend uttered the words (paraphrasing here, but basically this): "Can I have something really really fruity and really really sweet", and the bartender immediately began making a drink. What! It was this orange kind of thing. I tried it later and it was really good! Though if you'd like to what I came up with, I asked for a Gin and Tonic. Sources: Movies and TV Shows, my brother's girlfriend ordering it at a restaurant on my birthday, my friend and I speaking of it before heading to the bar. And sure enough, I am happy to report, it is a real drink that exists. And it is pretty good as well.
And so, after finishing our drinks that we so bravely purchased, we headed into the crowd. Gaaaaaaaaahhh!!!! Before this moment, I wasn't exactly sure I would be capable of "busting it down", as it were. I mean, really, what? But standing there, in the moment, in the dark, reaallly really really really loud music vibrating through my bones, it all started coming to me! I danced with my friend and I danced with myself. As the night went on, it became increasingly easy. I had danced to music in my kitchen before. That's where I thought that story would end. But being in this environment, with all these kind people doing the same, it felt only natural to follow. They even played some songs off Charli's new album which I was really happy about. It wasn't until that exact moment that I fully understood the meaning of #bratsummer! And I can't believe I got to experience it In Real Life!!!
Later into the night, there were drag performances to various songs from The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess (2023) (and of course, Goodluck, Babe! (2024)). I can honestly say it was sooooooo hype! Even if you're not a fan of her music (I am quite neutral myself (oh, I'm sure)), it's near impossible to not want to scream along with the few lyrics you know when everyone around is doing the same. And so so passionately! You get caught in the feeling of the song and this moment you're having with everyone and it's just fun! So, naturally, we sang and danced the night away.
One thing they don't tell you, you get sooooooooooooooooooo sweaty! I was thankful I wore a tank top... I didn't even realize how bad it was until I touched my neck and hair and I was drenched. It was quite humid as well. My friend and I later moved to a spot near the AC which somewhat helped, but I feel like when you're dancing to the music, it's like So Whatever anyway. You're really not so concerned about how you look or how you feel or what you're doing, your only concern is moving to the beat!!!
Before leaving, we stood around the bar drinking tons and tons of water. By the end, this scary place (this Strange New World, if you will) had become welcoming and familiar. We were about the leave when the 360 remix with robyn and yung lean came on. Well, obviously, we stayed until the conclusion. We left at around 2:30am and walked the streets of Kensington market. It was similarly dark, but there was a cool breeze which was a nice change of pace. We took our time getting to the bus stop (the subway was closed by this time, so we took the night bus home) and savored our morning stroll. I returned around 4:00am, hopped on an ongoing discord call, and finished my burger.
Even now, I still consider "partying" strange and foreign to me (I mean, it Was just one time); it doesn't seem like something I would know anything about. But after this experience, I am undeniably on the other side in terms of knowing. I've had this vague idea of what it's like to go to a club based on things I've seen and heard. And from that, I'd formed a vague opinion on the atmosphere and the people who frequent that atmosphere. And that was all so distant from me. However, now that I've crossed this threshold, I know the truth of the matter. I can no longer claim to be a person who doesn't know what it's like, who's only frames of reference are hazy imaginings. I've been there and I've done that and I can no longer claim otherwise, even if it still may feel that way.
That night shifted my perspective on strangers and social anxiety. I overheard conversations in the bathroom so potent with kindness. I saw it written on the walls. I squeezed my way through people who, like me, were there to dance the same way they do in their kitchen. And we all knew the songs. I'm still unable to open my mouth to someone who's never said hello. I still just think and think and think about it until the moment is over. But it feels a bit less serious now. I am slowly being convinced that strangers enjoy conversation, and that I could be one of those strangers.
A string of thoughts: "Let's paint a picture.", "No, perhaps something with the structure of "let's paint a picture" but with different words. Because so many people have painted so many pictures. But I would nonetheless like to communicate that I'm illustrating a scene. Well, yes, something along those lines. But not to do with illustration. A selection of words and actions that, if substituted in this sentence structure, could serve a similar or exact purpose.", "Why don't I just paint a picture?", "Why am I painting anything at all? Why don't I just say what I mean?", "What do I mean to say?"
"I'm sitting in a park right now on damp dirt, shiny leaves, and soft sticks. I'm experiencing a breeze through the holes in both my clothes and body. The occasional water droplet falls on my computer, but it misses the important stuff."
"My head squeezes from sleep deprivation. It's not the kind worth fixing, or even avoiding or worrying about. Firstly, because this is something of a "regular order" for me. Secondly, because I eagerly ordered it again at 5:00 in the morning today. And now it's so kind to sit in a park, infused with the overpowering aroma of suburban wilderness. The contrary being not shiny leaves of rainwater, but shiny skin of sweat. A dim room which isn't conducive to "goals" or "living". But when we put it that way, what am I doing so differently now?"
"(This is where the parathenses come in)."
"(Not to get all serious and philosophical because I stepped outside before the afternoon began) (That is certainty not the case) (In fact, I'm kind of always this way) I slowly roll out of my subconscious mind (award-winning monologue in progress, here) and return to my, natural, 25% drone-like state (as opposed to the 85% drone-like state I was in before). Rereading each Consolas paragraph that's been punctured into my windows notepad app, I am poked with existential musings ("Re: "What do I mean to say"") ("Re: "What am I doing so differently now?""). I contemplate the concept of goals informed by emotion rather than logic. It sounds meaningful and downright rewarding. However, I am swiftly reminded that this has never been my area (And is that fair to say? As someone who has done plenty of introspection, should it not be the opposite?). I am battered by neutrality and I am battered by what beat it into me (But again, not so serious)."
A string of offenders: "The way I've been with the world, because of the world.", "The way I've been with my parents.", "Because of my parents.", "The way I've been since birth."
"I am constantly chasing a feeling (No feeling in particular, just something I've heard people say they do). Would it be bold to say that I am often successful? Would it be true? Does ANYONE know? Because I so often say that I don't, but I would like to think it. And that's been my starting point so far."
// Authors note: Putting this at the bottom to remind people I am sooooooo normal and not so serious like that... And I am going to attempt to rephrase exactly what I mean in less cryptic terms so I don't sound like I'm vagueposting and subtweeting and also very very depressed. I'm just being artistic!
// Sometimes I don't know what to say or do, and looking inside to see how I feel fails me (is this any better). I've been indifferent about many things since birth, since my overbearing (sorry) mother, and since the general horrors of the world (I don't exactly know how to be more specific about that part, I guess we can just say capitalism and social anxiety and call it a day?)!! I get so lost in career goals and meta-introspection that I have trouble finding my way back to being myself (and like I even know what that means?). Aand it doesn't help that I have so many chores and tasks to dooooo!!!!! But anyway, sharing weird cryptic writing (see: diary(casual) entry no. 3) is a means to navigate it all. And I'd like to think it's at least a litttttle bit poetic and interesting!
A string of thoughts (an update on my surroundings): "My shoes and backpack and BUTT! Are covered in damp dirt. When I first sat down, I thought about how it would be a problem for later. And now it's later. The occasional bug scurries across my screen or the seams of my jeans (I LOVE SLANT RHYMING!) but it's really so whatever, and I Quite Literally just brush it off... The leaves have gone back to their matt (I'm seriously not doing this on purpose) state and the post-rain smell is less pungent. I am hungry and need to pee and am making my way home to cook and clean. Have a Gob day!!"
I was going to cover a number of things in this entry. Some things, I'm afraid, I've already spilled to my reader(s?) in other, more conventional, 3 dimensional formats. But I typed out the first thing and it was so long we'll just save the rest for another day.
I bring to the table an update on the late penalty situation. As mentioned previously, my friend and I set in motion a late penalty, of sorts, for when we arrive late to work meetups (see below for more information). Anyhow, first day of implementation, already failed. Monday. June 24th. I got up at 7:30am. I spent too much time deciding what I was going to wear which was the real stick in the wheel here (new idiom, by me). Ever since I dyed my hair this black colour, getting dressed has been a little more confusing. I just need time to adjust! To Let the Rhythm Flow! So I got there, let's say, 20 minutes past 9:00am. I spent an hour storyboarding the 3rd installment of my ...comic. First 5 pages done. Nothing explicit yet, and hopefully we'll never get there. Though the real challenge came when we left the library (around 11:00am) to head to the cafe, and I had to do the 15 push ups.
See, normally, on other, regular days, I am somewhat capable of doing at least 1, modified, push up, with minimal! struggle. And I probably would've gotten through the 15 straight if it weren't for my weak and feeble and compromised state. Saturday --> Sunday. June 23rd. Roughly 2:00am. I am leaving my friend's apartment building. They explain to me, at the door, the directions to the subway entrance from the parking lot. Same entrance we came through when we first arrived in the evening, actuuually! I caught some things they were saying, giant red button something, something, I'll figure it out! Well, I sure figured something out.
I exit to the parking lot and have no real clue which door I'm supposed to go through. I start trying them all. Some are locked, naturally. But I try another, and it's not. I open it and go through. I am greeted by a room that looks identical to the one behind me. However, I am no longer able to clearly verify this as the door has locked upon shutting and I am trapped on the other side. Talk about awkward! I explore this new section of the parking lot. I try other doors, but they are all also locked. There seems to be no real way out. I walk around a bit more, real "horror game vibes" if you can imagine. Locked in a parking lot at 2:00am, and everything like that. I text my friend but they don't answer because their social media has been blocked for the day, and for some reason, their phone doesn't get my call. Presumably bad signal.
There is one exit, though, that I am reluctant to try. The ramp for the cars, going down. I didn't want to get hit by a car and I didn't want a car to just see me walking down there (embarrassing!). But what cars would be driving here at this hour, really? And there was no other way out. I walk down the ramp and it is in fact Pretty Chill. I find myself in a room similar to the last one once more. With more doors. More locked doors. I approach a wall with big red letters: EXIT TO TTC (paraphrasing here). Well, this must be it! That's where Iiiii'm going! I open the door (successfully). It doesn't look like the passage we went through earlier that day, but I couldn't find any other doors, and well, this one had a big sign.
I am greeted by a stairwell to the different parking levels. There's a sign saying "Exit" pointing up the stairs, and down the stairs are more parking levels. When I reach the top, I am greeted by a door to the outside. Opening the door, however, I am Greeted By a large wooden fence (and more like a wall, really). The fenced off area was about 2 meters long. I think there was a gate at the end but the only way to open it was by pressing a large red button saying "exit". Now I don't know what my fellow readers would do if they were Greeted By this button, but I wasn't about to test out a potential alarm system at 2 in the morning. I ruminate on this for a while and go back inside.
I try to get back to the parking lot area through the door I came, but, naturally, it had locked behind me. I walk down the stairs and try other doors from other levels and it's the same old story. I don't go to see what's all the way at the bottom of the stairwell because, hello, I'm trying to go UP here? And I had a Plan, anyway...
I hike back up to the clickbait exit and commit to my mission: Climbing Over the Fence. It was the only way, really, really! And little known fact I neglected to mention earlier, the door to this wooden enclosure also had a locking-behind-you-feature. When I First arrived there, I figured as much. Luckily, there was a trash can at the top of the stairwell that I used to prop the door open. That way, I could survey the area with minimal! consequences. But when I made my final return, it was my Final Return.
I enter the 1x2 meter space and close the door behind me (as I didn't want to leave it propped open after I had... gone). I approach the gate and begin my climb. There's a small area at the bottom I can step on to get a little height. The wall is significantly taller than me, so without this we would be in a real pickle. Though still, pickled we were, because as I try to lift my own weight over the fence I am harshly informed, in this very moment, that I am really not so in shape. I attempt this self-hoisting 4 or 5 times before it is clear to me this isn't happening.
I frantically (though not So frantically, I am So Chill) look around for something to step on for assistance. It just so happens that the giant red EXIT button is attached to a metal box protruding from the gate. I put my foot on that thing and am able to get myself over. In the process, my purse falls off the fence which is a bit concerning to me because my iPad is in there. But I had some other stuff for padding. And so I jump down, now a free man. I collect my belongings and head for the subway.
Actually, the door to the subway is right next to the gate. Leave it open next time, why don't you! I open it to go inside but about 3 steps down the stairs I am greeted by a TTC employee, presumably going home for the night. He tells me, "subway's closed, buddy!" I think he smiles. In the moment, I'm a bit shaken up by the just escaping an apartment complex parking lot through unethical means, situation. I am also out of breath. From the climbing, situation. I just say "sorry" through little air and leave immediately. I take the night bus home and it is all okay.
Now what does this have to do with pornography? And pushups? The entire rest of my Sunday was lived with incredibly sore arms. It took me till Sunday night to realize it was because I had (just barely) climbed over a giant wooden wall the night before. And now it was Monday morning, outside the library on the grass beside the road, (just barely) doing 15 modified pushups.
So, don't assume you know what everyone's going through, or whatever. My friend critiqued my form and cheered me on (more bullying than cheering, but I can't really say "bullied me on"). I did 5 at a time with breaks of rolling around on the grass in pain. By the 15th push up, I don't think I could lift a feather if I tried. I wasn't late on Wednesday.
I normally (normally, as if I've been doing this long enough to have a basis for "normally") don't write entries detailing the events of my day. But today, of all days, felt rather long and eventful. It all started when I got up at 8:00am (secret ingredient to why it felt so long and eventful). Normally, on other, regular days, I usually get up around 12:00pm. There seems to be no real consequences for getting up so late (though my friend and I have recently come up with a strategy to counteract this, that I will detail later). I love staying up and sleeping in, don't we all? Though today, I had a figure drawing class at 10:00am, [redacted] subway stops and a bus away from where I live (was going to say the number of stops, but afraid it's too much information for the web). I needed to be punctual. I'd also be meeting a friend there that I'd haven't seen in a while. Extra incentive. Extra interesting. I got up at 8:00am and left the house around 8:40am. I got there half an hour early.
Figure drawings, maybe a bit of a flop for the short poses. I did better on the longer ones this time. I don't know why, but I kept telling myself to "draw this like how a lesbian would draw this", and it seemed to help. What do I mean by that? I'm really not so sure. Just a specific kind of respect for women you get from being a lesbian, I guess. At this specific figure drawing place, they like to play the Classical FM radio station throughout the session. I'll admit, I prefer drawing in silence. I find anything else to be a bit distracting. Nonetheless, my other friend there and I enjoyed the host nerding out about music (nerding out like "fujoing out" but applied to a Normal word in the English dictionary). We left early because, at this specific figure drawing place, there's a 1h30m pose at the end. And us animation majors don't really need all that. TBH.
We headed to the nearby deserres for conte and then parted ways with the "friend we haven't seen in a while". They had some other business to take care of. As someone you haven't seen in a while would. We hugged goodbye and my other friend and I headed north to a sushi restaurant.
I was looking forward to going there again because, the last time I was there, I got the most icredible-est awesome-est super duper cool-est dope-est sushi ever. It was kind of fried and had salmon and cream cheese and asparagus in it. WOW! Can you believe that? When I got there though, I couldn't find it on the menu and just ended up ordering Regular salmon sushi with cream cheese. Which was like, totally fine and still delicious, but not life changing. Also made me think of the many times I'd eaten sandwiches with cream cheese and smoked salmon for breakfast. This was that in sushi form. We are everchanging.
After that, we went to a nearby cafe to draw. I worked on a furry reference sheet for art fight, and my friend worked on a layout illustration for her up-and-coming art Instagram. An account of which the purpose is to mog, and save, Sheridan College. Later, some time into our stay, we were shocked to discover it was only around 3:00pm. See, normally, on other, regular days, that would've been just about 2 hours post meetup. But today, so much had already happened. It was truly astounding. We recounted this later in the day and decided we should meet up early more often, around 9:00am. Would that even be possible? Well, it certainly would be with the new penalty we've put in place. See, if I were to be late, I would have to start drawing another installment of this pornographic comic I created when I was 14. A comic of which the contents are certainly... unique. A product of its time. You had to be there. It was, Coachella, 2019. My friend doesn't have anything like this at the moment (actually, she has plans to make something of the sort now to haunt her in her later years) so her penalty is just to draw straight porn. Already kind of so bad. But the catch is, she has to make the guy really really big and buff, and the woman really really small and skinny. Also, in addition to this, both of us have to do 15 pushups. Needless to say, we will both be meeting at 8:00am from now on.
We left the cafe at around 5:15pm and headed to my friend's house. Yet another location for June 21st. On the way there, she stepped in some bird poop. Or, as she would call it, "matcha ice-cream" for her own mental health. When we got to her house, she washed her shoe in the backyard and then took a shower. We both ate dinner and headed to sally beauty for hair dye.
The journey was quite nerve-racking as we made it there 10 minutes before the closing time. We had to run from the bus stop. However, when we arrived, we were greeted with some of the kindest employees I have ever encountered in my life. I'd only ever dyed my hair with the 2 in 1 thing you buy from shoppers drug mart, and my friend had only ever been to the salon. So, walking through the aisle of Normal hair dye was quite "strange and foreign" to the both of us. The employee previously mentioned helped us pick the right developer and brand of dye. As for colour, I chose a really really dark brown, and my friend chose a kind of orange-brown-copper. After a couple of proud and successful purchases, we headed to the second cafe of the day: kung fu tea.
We probably got there somewhere past 8:00pm, but they closed at 10:00pm so we had the time. We both ordered the green tea with cheese foam and continued working on the same projects from the previous cafe: furry sheet and layout illustration. We're both So Almost Done. After some time, we headed back to my friend's place and her aunt kindly drove me home. I also took some extra food and a coke with me which is so awesome because as we all ("we" "all") know, the food situation at my house right now is not so spectacular (yet!).
When I got home I took a shower, blow-dried my hair, and began dyeing it. I was going to use these blue disposable gloves my dad keeps in our garage for the process. However, upon entering the garage, I quickly remembered the giant wall-mounted shelf where he used to keep them had recently been removed. And I had no idea where he put the gloves now. I searched, admittedly, half of the garage. There are a LOT of boxes in the garage. I could not find them. But it was So whatever, because my back up plan was to just use plastic bags as gloves. And searching the kitchen, I happen to find the perfect ones. I don't even know the origin of these plastic bags, but they were big and thin. Kind of like the ones you would use to bag produce, but they had some imagery on them that would suggest otherwise.
I mixed the dye and developer in a plastic cup with a wooden stick. It smelled strongly of chemicals. Which ones? Like I would know. I smeared it all over my scalp and, this time, my eyebrows as well. I was super worried about dyeing my eyebrows. They're naturally pretty light, so when I make them too dark in the wrong way (like with makeup) it looks pretty awful. But it turned out all right in the end because there just isn't a lot of hair there in the first place for anything to go wrong. I took another shower and waited for my hair to dry. In the meantime, I began typing away at a long overdue (hyperbole) long awaited (by me) guestbook message dedicated to a special oomf in the crowd tonight. Possibly the only oomf, if we're being so honest here. Hi oomf 👋!
While I was doing this, I decided to drink my coke. But I did so with a bit of a twist. You see, before my parents left for Spain, my mother directed me to a lemon-flavoured liquor she keeps in the fridge. She suggested, if I was interested, that I could mix it with sparkling water and make a fantastic drink. So once they were gone, that's exactly what I did. There wasn't much left in the first place so the bottle was empty in 2 days. Thursday, I bought some more alcohol on my way back from piano class. I got a bottle of soju (I love soju) and I decided to try something new. I bought a near $50 bottle of fen chiew. Why? I don't know. The main point of interest for me was the 53% alcohol level. I'm kind of trying to turn up here? With later googling, I found it's basically Chinese Vodka. Pretty good. At first, I mixed it with sparkling water, which was fine. It's a lot more bearable that way. More tasty. And today, I mixed it with coke. On a somewhat concerning note, I'm beginning to a develop a habit of drinking every night. I mean, really, it's been 4 days. But it's so kind of a vibe? And I don't even really get that drunk (unfortunately), it's just kind of tastteey...
Anyway, the reason I'm bringing this up is to point out the nbfailure of me accidentally knocking over my drink and spilling it everywhere. And I swear on the cross (is that something people say?) that it wasn't even due to any kind of inebriation, just an honest mistake! I threw my pants in the laundry and poured another glass.
Eventually my hair dried. It looked stupid at first, like a wig. Which is what I was afraid of with such a dark colour. But then I styled it (to the best of my abilities) and it was pretty OK. I came back down to the kitchen where I'm sitting right now and I've been typing this up ever since.
Really so much stuff! And so many locations! Like a whole short story going on here. Maybe not so interesting content-wise for my dear readers. I mean, nobody died. But is was so not a typical day for me, with the getting up early and doing so many things. That's why we're here reading this together. The early bird truly gets the worm. Also probably should've gone to bed earlier. I won't reveal what time it is Right Now (kind of embarrassing) but WOW! Go to bed.
I'm at the library right now waiting for my scanner appointment. I've been booking it for 11:10 thinking I'll be late, but I keep coming on time!
My parents left 2 days ago and I've been living as expected: Not Very Organized. Whenever they leave, my whole perspective on the world slightly changes. It's kind of like when you get out of school school; something annoying but necessary is gone and now you're there alone to fend for yourself. I forgot how easy it is to leave things lying around the house when there's no one else there. But I have been cleaning! Though there's still a lot to do... (eg. vacuuming, ironing, washing the floor, putting things back... where they belong) and I can't seem to find the time to do it all because I'm never home! I also had the delusional notion that once they left I would be able to fix my sleep schedule. As if going to sleep at a humble 11pm would be made easier by a completely empty house, all. to. my. self. I stayed up till 4am yesterday 🤦🤦. As for the cooking, I haven't even begun! Because I'm outside! Every! Day! So I've just been eating frozen food... Mainly this Slavic dish called pelmeni. I think I'll buy groceries and try to cook on Saturday. I have this pasta recipe reel saved on instagram that could fix me.
Yesterday (today) (in the morning) I also kiiind of made a schedule? That I've been meaning to make to organize my projects and chores and media consumption. I also updated the diary element of my calendar. I keep forgetting to write in it and then end up sitting down and doing all of the ones from like the past 10 days. Anyhow, I realized that I don't have that much to focus on. Main things I'll be trying to do a bit of everyday: cleaning.. and other stuff (you know, the like), illustrations for my animation account, illustrations for my furry account, this site!, playing video games (yaoi visual novels and whatever else my friend tells me to play), and reading something (vampire knight RN, but my reading list is Very Long). I often forget that it is more effective to do a bit of everything each day rather than doing a lot of just one thing. So hopefully with this designation I will cover more ground. And not just walk around my house for hours in a silly outfit getting drunk and listening to kpop. Not that I would ever do that......
Also thinking of editing my calendar template to accommodate these changes. I made the template (its in google sheets Btw) while I was working on my animation portfolio so I could keep track of my progress. Really, the first installment of the template was hourly; literally allotting a task for each hour of the day. But when I went on vacation to Spain (IDK either!) I found that was no longer an effective approach, so I opted for a daily format instead. I have a section for events, for tasks completed, and a general section for listing what I accomplish that day. I'll admit, it's not the prettiest of calendars, but it really works for me. I mean, I did make it. And everything. But anyhow, now that portfolio season is over, I've really just been using the "tasks completed" section as a diary cell to write about everything that happens in my day. And I am happy with this development. Time seems to go by sooooo quickly, it is good I'm documenting my experiences. However, I now find the more productive use for this calendar is beginning to vanish. I rarely use the tasks completed cell for its intended purpose, and it's hard to see what I've accomplished project wise when it's only briefly and vaguely mentioned among all the other events of my day. Furthermore, I now have more responsibilities to keep track of. In addition to my projects, I have chores and media consumption. Not that I haven't been doing these things before this very moment, but I Would like to lock in and "cover some more ground". I'm thinking of adding more cells to better separate and organize these sections of my life. Also, just thought of this now, if I'm really trying to lock in I should make a separate calendar for my diary entirely. Because I write so much in the cells that they get really long and now it takes forever to scroll through the spreadsheet... However, I feel kind of sentimental toward this document and I fear I would not even be able to handle two calendar spreadsheets. But we'll test the waters.
Brief other news, both concerning music. Firstly, did you guys know if you play Enough by Tanukichan and then queue Reaching Nowhere by Fluxious immediately afterwards, it sounds like a continuation of the same song? Just so you know. Just incase you were curious about that. In case you haven't heard and were interested in that sort of thing. Not that it's like really super cool and awesome, or anything. Just For Your Information. Secondly, I had a dream last night where f(x) made a song called "Run" that was exactly like "Run" by MBLAQ but if it was lame. And nothing against f(x), they just flopped with what was either a cover or just a music industry coincidence. And also, it's not specifically f(x) really, the only reason I Think it was is because in the dream the cover art for the song was the same cover art for the "Hot Summer" album. But I don't think it really sounded like them. This dream was probably also influenced by the fact that I think "Girls on Top" by BoA and O - 正.反.合. by TVXQ! sound very similar, because they use very similar instrumentals, because they are apparently from the same company.
Lowkey I wasn't gonna post the last entry because of how weird and cryptic and emo it is, but I feel like enough time has passed to the point where it's like not so deep and IDGAF. Anywho, a lot of little things. A lot. of little things. (Oh, and I should mention I'm out of it. What got me out? I don't know...)
Not really sure how to approach entries these days. I post most of my immediate thoughts on ig and I write my daily tasks in my calendar. So like, what's up? Supposedly there's something in the middle, some other small pieces of information I can save for this site, but gee, I don't know. I feel so foggy these days. I'm not working toward a specific goal so I'm just wandering. And so is my mind. Confused. Out of focus. Cut. Usually there's a thematic thread connecting my thoughts, or certain ones that stand out. Big things. Glowing. Pressing. That's why it was easy to have topics for the first entries. But now they're all on mute. Desaturated. Distant. Escaping me. Over and over again.
Some notes on formatting, I like the aesthetic I've built up on this site but TBH. tbh. I do not like reading things in dark mode very much. LOL. I think it looks cute and the colours are satisfying to me, but my actual reading experience, well. well.. (not an elipse, but a double period). I much prefer bare bones sites, default fonts on a white background with little else -- real straight to the point vibe (and this is not just about OOMF. other people do this. as well). But it's so like, what can i do? like wee're alreaaddyyy here. I was thinking of making a light mode version of this page, where one would have the ability to toggle between this and a light mode version. Really just for me. Bare bones. Serif. Bold. Black and white. L.O.L.
Onto the Real little things.
> I'm going to be cooking soon. My parents are going on vacation for a month and I'm staying home. I'm going to be cooking. Soon. (They leave tomorrow). I've been super duper excited about this, but now that the time has almost really come, I have some mixed feelings. Firstly, I'm never home these days so I mostly eat out. This is partly because I rarely have food at home. For some reason. Secondly, I've been getting full really quickly. It's not always a stomach-full, sometimes it's a mouth-full. The flavour becomes too much too quickly and I get kind of nauseous. It's really so frustrating. On the surface, these things don't really pose an issue with the whole cooking my own meals thing. But they are rather abnormal habits I've developed. So I'm just worried about being lazy and tired and scattered and broke and hungry. But not so seriously.
> Speaking of starving, I'm gonna start drawing furries. My mother does this strange thing where sometimes she'll make a big huge deal about not having any money, and other times she'll pretend it's all fine. So I really don't know what to believe about our situation. TMI? Anyways, she was telling me the reason she was so intent on me getting a summer job was because she wasn't sure how I was going to pay for food in college. Strange. Not sure if she was serious, but the thought sounded kind of scary. So I've decided to make a furry art account, for real this time. I have an oomf in law that's done this for money and has been more than successful, so I know it's possible... But oh my gosh, drawing! So much Drawing! There's only so much I can draw. I need to start planning this stuff out. I honestly don't believe this will go anywhere anytime soon, but it's a good investment to at least start. I've also come to the realization that if I make the furries emo, it's a lot easier on my mental health. Let's just keep going. Let's just keep drawing.
> RE: Figure Drawing Archive Tumblr Blog. I think I'm gonna start queueing 5 posts per day instead of 1. I want to get all the good ones up before school starts. Also, I just have so many! And I go every week, so I'm always getting more. I'm also going to add two more tag categories: one for the year the drawing was made, and one for my favourite drawings. Doing this for more search options when viewing the archive of the whole blog. Need to specify a day to sit down and do this though because it all takes foooreeveerrrrrerer........ AND. I need to update the figure drawing folder in my google drive because it doesn't have most of my recent ones.
> More on archiving, I've been scanning my old sketchbooks at the library recently. Like, actually sitting down and doing it. I've gotten through about 5 already! After I scan them all, I plan on editing the pages and making them into PDFs, as well as having a spreadsheet index for each book. I was considering putting them all up on the site as well, but the contents. Are not suitable. For eyes other than me. Unfortunately. I need to get to sorting out my clothes as well, and then all the other items I own. This whole "college" "dorm" thing is my first step to moving out, and it's the first time I've moved. out. before so I'm having difficulty confronting the fact that I own So Many Important Things.
> I started playing DRAMAtical Murder. I have a great facination with seragaki aoba, though I wish it was stronger. I wish I could care even more. It's so hard for me to tell what I really like and what I really want to do. Anyways, GREAT game though. I finished noize's routes and now I'm playing koujaku's. I don't really like visual novels, but it's yaoi so that's kind of a point of interest for me. I'm really trying to get with this fujo life, but there is SO much READING involved.
> There's something inherently erotic about jeans. I think about this a lot. ...Does anyone even know?
OK, that's all for the little things. Or should I say big things because this entry is Actually So Long. For No reason. And not so very interesting either. But thaaat's the way the cookie crumbles! See y'all on the flip.
It's raining outside right now which is really nice. My window is open and I can feel the cool air wafting in. It smells good, better than my room. I feel like I've been shot in the head recently. Like chunks of my brain have been ripped apart from each other by, some sort of bullet, and I'm trying to piece them back together? Well, in a real life situation, you don't piece a busted brain back together. But I think I could do it, in this case. It's happened before, a state of mind that I can't really describe. It's like I'm a moon shifting into a different phase that's more hidden but I can sense something big is around the corner. Nothing's at my finger tips but I can feel it all right behind me. And it's kind of like a daydream in the sense that I just need to be snapped out of it. I need to find the thing that'll bring me back around. Oh, it could be so simple. I'm searching.
At the library right now with a friend (kind of a subtle, niche, abstract reference (easter egg, even) to another, long forgotten diary entry, maybe of the introspective nature, SOMEWHERE on this site) just typing away... Sunlight seeping through the blinds right now, I feel I should mention. Very beautiful I'm covered in warm stripes.
Anyways, I got a new backpack today! I've been needing a new one for a very long time. If you know me, (which you do) you know I've had to sew up a lot of rips and holes in my 2 previous backpacks. Which really blows because I can't sew at all. I even replaced the zipper on one of them!! So one could say I've been on the lookout for a replacement (to no success...until) my godmother came over today and apparently she got one for my birthday! It's really silly how my godmother seems to fit the fairy godmother archetype because she always gives such good gifts. She gave me a 3D printer for my 16th birthday, like oh my gosh??? But anyways, this backpack is just spectacular it's really everything. It has a nice material and lots of space... And its black and red! Which matches my headphones and laptop ^_^ and nails! (which are dark red, Btw) and this is especially so great because I'm planning on going emo soon...
I've been using emo as an umbrella term for like, dressing alternatively, because, well, it's pretty funny. It also means whatever I want it to mean whenever I want. I'm so emo!!!! I used to dress kind of emo in grade 11 (in a goth sort of way), was experimenting with fashion and stuff. But I came to the conclusion that I kind of just want to look like a Normal Guy all the time so that train went off the tracks (new idiom I just made up, not really good but it gets the job done). However, a couple months ago, I was researching emos on pinterst for this shared OC universe I'm doing with friends and it really brought me back (and when I say emo in this context, I really mean it. Like 2010s emo). I was thinking it would be awesome if I went 2010s emo in college. I feel like it combines the Normal Guy aesthetic with the, idk, "dark" aesthetic pretty well. Though recently, I've concluded I should also draw elements from visual kei as well. For some reason... It sort of stems from the fact that other than black clothes, I also want more fitted clothes. Oh my gosh none of my clothes fit me. And I want the new aesthetic to maybe be cuntier? I don't know, I will have range. Just spilling that on the table. I have a pinterest board and eeeverything. I need to giveaway some clothes first before I buy more... Also want to "D.I.Y." some things. Add studs and spikes to stuff. Dye stuff. Learn to use a sewing machine, perhaps? AND I need to get jacked. It will be awesome.
Now to adress the title of this entry, I'm wearing green shorts right now. Well, they have a bit of green. And my old backpack was green. And some of my other pants are green. And my phone is green. AND I'm a taurus. I've always had a love hate relationship with green just being on the colour wheel; it feels so out of place. But I don't know, I'm starting to come around to it I suppose. I've also been encountering red accents a lot throughout my personal belongings: headphones, laptop, backpack (see above). I haven't realized until now how great this really is. Something I often forget is that I'm in sort of a red and green era. What? Well, around a year ago (March 2023) I was in figure drawing class at school and we were asked to choose two different coloured chalk pastels to draw with. Normally, I'm more of a blue/pink kind of guy, blue/orange some may even say. NEVER liked green. Didn't care so much for red in combinations. But for some reason in that moment, red and green looked really good to me, and I knew it was the dawn of a new era. Now, it's not so serious. But this past year I've found myself using and encountering this red and green colour combination more and more. Just today, I was walking to the subway station and I saw a person in a red sweater walking amonst the many green trees that are sprawled across the sidewalks of Toronto, Canada. It's so subtle. Many don't like red and green because it reminds them of Christmas, but it depends on the shades you use. It can be so elegant. Just a touch in the background. Oh, it's starting to feel like home! And that's just something I really wanted to mention.
So I have a new backpack, I'm going emo, and I'm getting really into red and green. Colossal things cooking in this kitchen. And before I leave, I should also mention this is such a big day because this marks the return of oomf! Hi oomf 👋 so glad to have you back you don't even know.. See you in the next one!
Hello, neocitizens! Welcome to my first diary entry!
A bit about the artistic choices of this page, I decided to use Helvetica Neue because I feel like it's easier to read and look at and I looveeee Helvetica Neue. It's like my favourite sans serif font. Also, I was originally thinking of making this light mode (somehow) because I prefer reading things in light mode, but I could not figure out a way to make it look better than what I have here ^_^;/
I'm writing this the day after my birthday! Though kind of the same day for me because it's just 3 minutes past 12:00am. I turned nineeteeennn!!!! And since I'm Canadian that means I can drink now which I'm Pretty excited about. I really love alcohol.
I also got a new computer which is SO YAY because my old computer was, I'm not being hyperbolic, falling apart at the seams. A Dell Inspiron 5402 if that paints a picture. I don't know what happened but the screen became half detached from the keyboard...NIGHTMARE!! I've been having to open and close it in strange ways so it doesn't fold wrong. Also in the past like 2 months the fan has been making this egregious buzzing noise you would not believe how loud. And then like a week ago, the fan fully started malufunctioning and sometimes when I started my computer Dell Support would make a sound LOUDER THAN AN AMBER ALERT to warn me about this Non Issue. And there's so much more to this VENT about this COMPUTER but I'm FREEEE!!!!!!!!!! And now I have a Lenovo Thinkpad P14s and its soooooooo nice. Part of the reason I'm starting this entry today is just because I like typing on the keyboard! Yipeeeeeeeeeee!
Unfortunate thing so far though is my desktop is now significantly less cluttered because when I was transferring files I realized I do not need like most of the ones that live on my desktop. BUT NOW IT FEELS SO NAKKEEDDDD so I will be on the look out for more random files and folders to put there. I already got a generous donation from a friend: gif of Bob Odenkirk. Which I put beside a gif of Yuki from Vampire Knight. So they're there to save my desktop for now. Wow! I really have so much more to say but this is already pretty long so I'll save it for another day. Byeeeeee!!